on my mind

LOTS on my mind tonight. I wish I could talk to someone about it, but sometimes you can only ask so much of others. Brad passed away yesterday from cancer. I don't think I am allowing myself to deal with it yet. I am in California on a spur of the moment vacation, having a fun time and relaxing, getting away from the other parts of my life. SOoo adding this new part to deal with... gives me a lot to think about.

volunteering tomorrow

for the Ragnar race.. its like pretty intense. and i'll be helping out at the finish line with alison. SO- in reading the preparatory 7 page long packet for volunteers... there was a great line. thought i'd share--

When you arrive at your exchange there will be several items in a large plastic box that you will need. The box may be hidden inside the portable toilets (toilets will be clean at this point), or located by the exchange chute


awesome. hiding stuff in portable potties. yesss.

jumble

What I saw when coming home late one night..??not trying to impress.... there's a story behind this outfit. hahaha
the picture i want at IKEA... i miss this..


I can't exactly describe in too much detail what is going on in my life right now, it is both very personal and very public, very saddening and very happy and right... all at the same time. I have come to recognize the value and comfort a good friend can give, but still feel so alone. I'm waiting for it to pass. Not just waiting, but actively trying to make it pass, and therein may lie my problem... I can't accept what I can't change, but I am trying to make it change. I went to a fireside this evening given by the director of human resources for the entire LDS church. It was really fantastic and so applicable to my life-- and everyone else's as well. I have written like five billion point seven blog posts analyzing and contemplating stuff... I don't mean to bore, but these three things are fantastic, and I'll keep this short. He was talking about choice, and three specific aspects of it.

1. I have the choice to create MY vision of my future.
2. Then I have the choice to fulfill that vision. The speaker studied organizational behavior.. so he put it this way: "all organizations are designed to get the result that they yield." So if you want the future you envision, there is a way and a plan to get there. It takes daily action, and you WILL move towards your most dominant desire.
3. When we make mistakes, we have the choice to repent and then continue to move forward. There is hope.

another thing he said: "I cannot say I want to be the best soccer player I can be without going to practice."
it's a daily thing. change takes time, but if we keep working at it, eventually we can achieve what we ultimately desire the most.

yup.

can't stop sleeping... I'm a little bit worried... :/

thinking more about my life.. and what I can learn from those around me (springing from a conversation earlier today)

what is my addiction? like.. what should I stop but can't? or what do I like so much I couldn't give up?

1. worrying
2. music
3. napping
4. excessive apologizing/guilt

how do you regain/reestablish trust?

1. mutual effort
2. time
3. prayer

what do I need to change?

1. lots. for my personal journal. I don't want to expose my faults too much on here.

Change of plans

So... .. . actually I'm not going to Oregon this weekend. Its weird, I have been so excited to go, to be home with my family etc, but for some reason over the past couple of days I've been getting uneasy feelings about it. I feel like I did when I was planning on going to California in February with my roommates... I just didn't feel like it was right and after we canceled the trip, Nicole's grandfather passed away and her whole family (who we were planning on staying with) came up to Utah that weekend for the funeral. I'm not saying that it will be the same scenario or anything like that, but the same feeling is there... I shouldn't go to Oregon. After giving it sufficient thought over the course of a few days... making sure it really was something not just me being afraid or indecisive or something, I talked to Lara (who would have been coming with me). She had been having some of the same thoughts, and we decided to stay home.

I am sad to not be going, but I trust that it is for the best. I will hopefully be able to go home soon. Luckily there are enough things this weekend in Utah to keep me occupied, not bummed that I'm not going home. Cody is performing at Spark on Thursday, and friday or saturday is the Orem Summerfest or something like that that I might go check out... I also want to do another hike this weekend. Maybe Stewart Falls? I don't know. I just know I am going to keep my summer fun and busy. I am not going to let little things get me down or keep me from having one of the best summers of my life!!

Today was great. Somehow I was able to make it through the day without my ipod (its kind of broken... sad). It gave me more time to think, which can be good sometimes because lately my life has been filled with too much noise, too much music, and too little contemplation.

I just got home from the gym... I'm recommitting myself to some of my goals for the summer-- after last week's lack of discipline, I'm back. Last night I went to a scripture study group with a few friends. Its really refreshing to find awesome people who seem to have a balance in their lives between fun, spirituality, and intelligence. I want to continue striving for that balance.

Things to do (broad list+immediate change)-
1. prioritize: we make time for what is most important to us. If we aren't making the time for [fill in the blank], it probably isn't that important to us, even if it should be.
2. follow through: dependability, acting instead of just seeking or wanting
3. initiate: don't just wait for others to come to me, go to them. everyone needs a friend.
4. listen: sometimes the best way to serve others is simply to listen.
5. smile: who doesn't feel better when they smile or are smiled at??? People sometimes give me crap for giving people my ''i hate you'' look. Unintentional, for sure. I want to smile more.

:)



I'm going to Oregon this weekend!! I am so excited, even though the weather probably won't be that great. My friend Kevin is coming back from his mission. I don't know if I'll get a chance to see him before I head back to Utah, but it would be nice. I also am excited for Montage, the beach, tillamook cheese, boating (weather permitting), hiking, and the green!! Seriously pumped. wooot!

Maybe I'm Crazy

Checking out the new photography exhibit on display at the HBLL

Remembering why it sucks to be a library employee in the summer. Marissa wore shorts. Marissa was punished.

BYU owns this book? yes.

One of my personal favorites...

Pet Peeve #231398: people sleeping in the aisles